The Ten Commandments of Parking Services

By Zach Musgrave, 29 August 2008

 

I.               I am the LORD thine God, Parking Services. I brought thee from chaos into bureaucracy. Thou shalt have no gods before Parking Services, and thou shalt not make for thineself an idol, a false hangtag or decal, no matter of what color. Thou shalt not bow down to the evils of CAT, for I, Parking Services am a jealous and vengeful God. I punish students for sleeping in, commuters for moving away and faculty for very little.

II.             Thou shalt not profane the holy name of Parking Services, nor shall thou put any decal before mine.

III.           Observe thine rule of 4:30 and keep it holy, as Parking Services commandeth. Thou shalt not park anywhere convenient before this time, and shouldest thou err even a single minute, thou shalt feel the slap down that befalleth every mere mortal who might contest thine God’s mighty will.

IV.          Honor thine magistrate and municipal court, as Parking Services commandeth. Though thou shalt receive no mercy, thou shalt accept thine sentence of eternal damnation with contrition and humility.

V.            Thou shalt not interfere with the servants of your God, Parking Services. No matter thine vehicle was parked legally! No matter thirty minutes had not yet passed! Thou shalt take thine citation to heart, and thou shalt like it. Or else.

VI.          Thou shalt not commit that most heinous of violations, the occupation of a visitor spot. No matter thine final examination started a half hour before! Shouldest thou park in such a manner, thou shalt get hosed, long and hard.

VII.        Neither shalt thou borrow thine housemate’s hangtag. Not even for a day. Heathen.

VIII.      Neither shalt thou bear false witness to one’s violations, for thine God Parking Services knoweth all that has been and all that has yet to be, and will laugh in thine face at the mere idea.

IX.          Should thou not tithe half thine living expenses to Parking Services, thou shalt get ripped a new one in fines. Sacrifice thine liquor fund to buy a permit or be branded pagan scum.

X.            Thine parking permit representeth not a place to park thine car, but instead a mere hunting permit. Thou shalt need all the help thou canst get to succeed in thine quest to get to class on time. Pray to thine only God, Parking Services, and thou hast a chance. Not much of one, but a chance.